Jokes

True Friends

True Friends, blah, blah, blah...

Are you tired of all those mushy "friendship" poems that always sound good

but never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a "friendship"

poem that really speaks to true friendship and truth itself!

Friend,

When you are sad, ...

I will get you drunk and help you plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.

When you are blue, ...

I'll try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

When you smile, ...

I'll know you finally got laid.

When you are scared...

I will rag you about it every chance I get.

When you are worried, ...

I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to quit whining.

When you are confused, ...

I will use little words to explain it to you...dumb ass!

When you are sick, ...

stay away from me until you're well again. I don't want whatever you have.

When you fall, ...

I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.

This is my oath, ...

I pledge 'til the end. Why you may ask? Because you're my friend! Duh you silly ass! :)

Send this poem to ten of your closest friends (or else you will have bad

luck and go to hell and get depressed because you realize you only have 2 friends, and one of them is not speaking to you right now anyway!)

P.S. A friend will help you move. A really good friend will help you move

a body. (Think about it)

The Shit List

THE GHOST SHIT

The kind where you feel shit come out, see shit on the toilet  paper, but there's no shit in the bowl.

THE CLEAN SHIT

The kind where you feel shit come out, see shit in the bowl, but there's no shit on the toilet paper.

THE WET SHIT

You wipe your ass fifty times and it still feels un-wiped. So you end up putting toilet paper between your ass and your underwear so you don't ruin them with those dreadful skid marks.

 THE SECOND WAVE SHIT

 This shit happens when you've finished, your pants are up to your knees, and you suddenly realize you have to shit some more.

 THE BRAIN HEMORRHAGE THROUGH YOUR NOSE SHIT

Also known as "Pop a Vein in your Forehead Shit". You have to strain so much to get it out that you turn purple and practically have a stroke.

THE CORN SHIT

 No explanation necessary.

THE LINCOLN LOG SHIT

 The kind of shit that's so enormous you're afraid to flush it down without first breaking it up into little pieces with the toilet brush.

 THE NOTORIOUS DRINKER SHIT

 The kind of shit you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the tread mark left on the bottom of the toilet bowl after you flush.

 THE "GEE, I REALLY WISH I COULD SHIT" SHIT

The kind where you want to shit, but even after straining your guts out all you can do is sit on the toilet, cramped and farting.

 THE WET CHEEKS SHIT

 Also known as the "Power Dump".

That's the kind that comes out of your ass so fast that your butt cheeks get splashed with

the toilet water.

THE LIQUID SHIT

 That's the kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt, splashes all over the side of the toilet bowl and, at the same time, chronically burns your tender poop-chute.

 THE MEXICAN FOOD SHIT

A class all its own.

THE CROWD PLEASER

This shit is so intriguing in size and/or appearance that you have to show it to someone before flushing.

 THE MOOD ENHANCER

 This shit occurs after a lengthy period of constipation, thereby allowing you to be your old self again.

 THE RITUAL

This shit occurs at the same time each day and is accomplished with the aid of a newspaper.

 THE GUINNESS BOOK OF RECORDS SHIT

 A shit so noteworthy it should be recorded for future generations.

 THE AFTERSHOCK SHIT

 This shit has an odor so powerful than anyone entering the vicinity within the next 7 hours is affected.

 THE "HONEYMOON'S OVER" SHIT

This is any shit created in the presence of another person.

 THE GROANER

A shit so huge it cannot exit without vocal assistance.

THE FLOATER

Characterized by its floatability, this shit has been known to resurface after many flushings.

 THE RANGER

A shit which refuses to let go. It is usually necessary to engage in a rocking or bouncing motion, but quite often the only solution is to push it away with a small piece of toilet paper.

THE PHANTOM SHIT

 This appears in the toilet mysteriously and no one will admit to putting it there.

 THE PEEK-A-BOO SHIT

 Now you see it, now you don't. This shit is playing games withyou. Requires patience and muscle control.

THE BOMBSHELL

A shit that comes as a complete surprise at a time that is either inappropriate to shit (ie. During lovemaking or a root canal) or you are nowhere near shitting facilities.

THE SNAKE CHARMER

A long skinny shit which has managed to coil itself into a frightening position - usually

harmless.

THE OLYMPIC SHIT

This shit occurs exactly one hour prior to the start of any event in which you are entered and bears a close resemblance to the Drinker's Shit.

THE BACK-TO-NATURE SHIT

This shit may be of any variety but is always deposited either in the woods or while hiding behind the passenger side of your car.

PREMEDITATED SHIT

Laxative induced. Doesn't count.

SHITZOPHERENIA

 Fear of shitting - can be fatal!

ENERGIZER vs DURACELL SHIT

Also known as a "Still Going" shit.

POWER DUMP SHIT

The kind that comes out so fast, you barely get your pants down when you're done.

THE LIQUID PLUMBER SHIT

This kind of shit is so big it plugs up the toilet and it overflows all over the floor. (You should have followed the advice from the Lincoln Log Shit.)

THE SPINAL TAP SHIT

 The kind of shit that hurts so much coming out, you'd swear it's got be coming out sideways.

THE "I THINK I'M GIVING BIRTH

THROUGH MY ASSHOLE" SHIT

 Similar to the Lincoln Log and The Spinal Tap Shits. The shape and size of the turd resembles a tall boy beer can. Vacuous air space remains in the rectum for some

time afterwards.

 THE PORRIDGE SHIT

 The type that comes out like toothpaste, and just keeps on coming. You have two choices: (a)flush and keep gong, or (b) risk it piling up to your butt while

you sit there helpless.

 THE "I'M GOING TO CHEW MY FOOD BETTER" SHIT

When the bag of Doritos you ate last night lacerates the insides of your rectum on the way out in the morning.

THE "I THINK I'M TURNING INTO A BUNNY" SHIT

When you drop lots of cute, little round ones that look like marbles and make tiny

Plashing sounds when they hit the water.

THE "WHAT THE HELL DIED IN HERE?" SHIT

 Also sometimes referred to as The Toxic Dump. Of course you don't warn anyone of the poisonous bathroom odor. Instead, you stand innocently near the door and enjoy the show as they run out gagging and gasping for air.

THE "I JUST KNOW THERE'S A TURD STILL DANGLING THERE" SHIT

Where you just sit there patiently and wait for the last cling-on to drop off because if you wipe now, it's going to smear all over the place.

THE "YOU'VE GOT SHIT ON YOUR SHOES, YOU SHIT SHOE BASTARD" SHIT

No explanation required.

TEN BEST THINGS TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK

10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

9. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to."

8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the Whiteout. You probably got here just in time."

7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new model."

6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."

5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?"

4. "Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our

biggest problem."

3. "The coffee machine is broken..."

2. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot..."

AND THE #1 BEST THING TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK...

1.. ".... in Jesus' name. Amen."

Who is Jack Schitt?

 For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?

  We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, "You don't know

Jack Schitt!"

  Well, thanks to my geneology efforts, you can now respond in an

  intellectual way.

  Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the

fertilizer magnate, married

  O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc.

   They had one son, Jack. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt.

The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt,

Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt.

  Against her parents' objections, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt,

a high  school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt

 divorced.

  Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and, because her kids were

living  with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then

known as  Noe Schitt Sherlock.

 Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son

with a  rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt.

  Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were

 inseparable throughout  childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.

   The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the

Schitt-Happens  nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and

Hoarse.

Bull  Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He

recently returned  from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

  Now when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt," you can

correct them.

Sincerely,

  Crock O. Schitt

 LEARN CHINESE IN 5 MINUTES...(READ THEM OUT LOUD)

1) That's not right..........................Sum Ting Wong.

2) Are you harbouring a fugitive?............Hu Yu Hai Ding?

3) See me ASAP...............................Kum Hia Nao.

4) Stupid Man................................Dum Gai.

5) Small Horse...............................Tai Ni Po Ni.

6) Did you go to the beach?..................Wai Yu So Tan?

7) I bumped into a coffee table..............Ai Bang Mai Ni.

8) I think you need a face lift..............Chin Tu Fat.

9) It's very dark in here....................Wai So Dim?

10) I thought you were on a diet.............Wai Yu Mun Ching?

11) This is a tow away zone..................No Pah King.

12) Our meeting is scheduled for next week...Wai Yu Kum Nao?

13) Staying out of sight.....................Lei Ying Lo.

14) He's cleaning his automobile.............Wa Shing Ka.

15) Your body odor is offensive..............Yu Stin Ki Pu..

16) Great....................................Fu Kin SuPA.

ARE U GHETTO?

 Say it loud - I'm ghetto and I'm proud!!!! Let's add up how

totally ghetto fab' you are:

 1. You've ever used an album cover for a dustpan. (5 points)

 2. If you've ever run a race barefoot in the middle of the    street.

     (10 points)

 3. You had a candy lady in your neighborhood. ( 5 + 5 extra points

if your house was the candy lady)

 4. If you ever had to pick your own switch or belt. (3 points for

each)

  5. If you have ever had to walk to school or walked home from

school. (2 points)

  6. If you have ever used dishwashing liquid for bubble bath.(5points)

  7. If you ever mixed Kool-Aid one glass at a time because you got

tired of other people drinking up the Kool-Aid you just made.(5 points)

  8. If you have ever played any of the following games: hide and go

seek, freeze, tag, momma may I?, or red light/green light. (2 points

each)

  9. If your neighborhood had an ice cream man. (2 points + 2 if he

rang a bell)

 10. If you refer to "Now and Later" candies as "Nighladers".(5points)

 11. If you've ever run from the police on foot. (5 points + 5 if

you got away)

 12. If you've ever had reusable bacon grease in a container on

your stove.(5 points + 15 if you still do it)

  13. The batteries in your remote control ever been held in by a

piece of tape. (5 points)

  14 If you have ever worn any of the following fragrances (1 point

each): Brute, Hai Karate, Jean Nate, Old Spice, Chloe, English Leather,

Stetson,Charlie, or Faberge.

  15. You've ever used Tussy. (5 points)

  16. You've never been to the dentist. (15 points.)

17. If you have a friend or family member whose nickname is one

word said twice: dee-dee, fee-fee, man-man, kay-kay, lee-lee, ree-ree,

ray-ray,nay-nay, etc. (10 points)

18. You have ever paged yourself for any reason. (3 points)

19. You've ever worn house shoes outside of the house. (2 points)

 20. You add "ED" or "T" to the end of words already in the past

tense (for example, Tooked, Light-Skinneded, kilt, ruint, etc.) (5 points)

 21. You use 'n'em to describe a certain group of people(for

example Craig'n'em or momma 'n'em)(5 points)

 22. You've ever driven on a donut more than 2 weeks after your

flat. (5 points)

  23. Your child drops his/her pacifier and you sanitize it by

sucking it. (10points)

  24. You have ever slept in a chair to avoid messing up your hair.

(10 points)

  25. You've ever left a social gathering with a plate. (2 points)

  26. You can't hold a glass because of the length of your nails.(5points

  27. The gold teeth in your mouth spell words. (10 points)

  28. You don't have your own place but your child had a leather

coat and a pair of Jordan's. (15 points)

 29. You constantly hit *69 and ask, "Did you just call here?"(10points)

 30. You think Tupac is still alive. (20 points)

         Now the totals ...

         0 - 50 points - I guess you were raised in the suburbs

         51 - 75 points - A bonafide ex-hoodrat

         76 - 150 points - Spent a little time in the projects, huh?

         150 points or more - Still there, huh?

Ebonics Homework

Leroy is a 20 year-old 5th grader. This is Leroy's Ebonics homework

assignment. He must use each vocabulary word in a sentence.

1. Hotel

I gave my girlfriend crabs, and the hotel everybody.

2. Dictate

My girfriend say my dictate good.

3. Catacomb

I saw Don King at da fight the other night. Man, somebody get that catacomb.

4. Foreclose

If I pay alimony today, I got no money foreclose.

5. Rectum

I had two Cadillac's, but my bitch rectum both.

6. Disappointment

My parole officer tol' me if I miss disappointment they gonna send me back

to the joint.

7. Penis

I went to the doctors and he handed me a cup and said penis.

8. Isreal

Tito try to sell me a Rolex. I say, "man, it look fake." He say, "Bullshit,

that watch isreal".

9. Undermine

There's a fine lookin' ho living in the apartment under mine.

10. Acoustic

When I was little, my uncle bought me a coustic and took me to the poolhall.

11. Iraq

When we got to the poolhall, I tol' my uncle I raq, you break.

12. Stain

My mother-in-law stopped by and I axed her, "Do you plan on stain for

dinner?"

13. Fortify

I axed this ho on da street, "how much?" she say "for tify."

14. Income

I just got in bed wit da ho and in come my wife

AIDS JOKE

There was a German, an Italian and a Saudi on death row. The warden gave them a choice of three ways to die: 1. to be shot 2. to be hung 3. to be injected with the AIDS virus for a slow death. So the German said, "Shoot me right in the head." (Boom, he was dead instantly). Then the Italian said, "Just hang me." (Snap, he was dead.) Then the Saudi said, "Give me some of that AIDS stuff." They gave him the shot, and the Saudi fell down laughing. The guards looked at each other and wondered what was wrong with this guy. Then the Saudi said, "Give me another one of those shots," so the guards did. Now he was laughing so hard, tears rolled from his eyes. Finally the warden said, "What is wrong with you?" The Saudi replied, "You guys are so stupid..... I'm wearing a condom."

TOP TEN THINGS TO DO TO TELEMARKETERS.

10. When they ask "How are you today?" Tell them! "I'm so glad you asked because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..."

9. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

8. Cry out in surprise, "Judy! Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of pause as she tries to figure out where the h-l she could know you from.

7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends ....would you be my friend?"

6. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

5. Tell the telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you a case of beer and some chips.

4. After the telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.

3. Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask them if they will give you their HOME phone number so you can call them back. When the telemarketer explains that they cannot give out their HOME number, you say "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The telemarketer will agree and you say, "Now you know how I feel!" Say good bye - and Hang up.

2. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"

1. And first and foremost: Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD down.

MISS MAISY

A jamaican man is sitting watching tv and his

wife comes up behind him

and whacks him with a frying pan.

"aaahh! Wa'dat for?" he shouts

"me find one paper inna your pocket

wid a gyal

name pon it, "miss maisy." said his

wife

"wa ya mean? Me an' me frien' leroy

went a race

track last week and miss maisy is de

name a de horse

dat run ina de first race." he

protests.

Two days later he is sitting

watching tv again

and "wack" one rass lick ina him

head- with the back

of the dutch-pot.

"ooowww" he shouts, "wa' dat for

now?"

"yu horse deh pan di phone "!

 ONLY THE BEST CHURCH BULLETIN BLOOPERS

 Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually

 appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

 Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at

 Calvary

 Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

 Announcement in a church bulletin for a national PRAYER FASTING

 Conference:

 "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes

 meals."

 The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon

 tonight:

 "Searching for Jesus."

 Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the

 recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

 "Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of

 those

 things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your

husbands."

 The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a

 conflict.

 Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.

 Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "hell" oto someone who

 doesn't

 care much about you.

 Don't let worry kill you off let the Church help.

 Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving

 obvious

 pleasure to the congregation.

For those of you who have children, and don't know it, we have a

nursery

downstairs.

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the

help

they can get.

Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more

transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes

of

Pastor Jack's sermons.

During the absence of our Pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of

hearing

a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.

The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will

 sing

"Break Forth into Joy."

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the

church.

So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall.

Music

will follow.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is

Hell?"

Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of

several

new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be

recycled.

Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

The Lutheran men's group will meet at 6 P.M.. Steak, mashed potatoes,

green

beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased

 person

you want remembered.

Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy

lunch.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment,

and

gracious hostility.

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 P.M. prayer and medication to follow.

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They

may

be

seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park across

from

the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are

invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would

lend

him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use

the

back door.

The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the

Church

basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this

tragedy.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.

Please

use large double door at the side entrance.

Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign

slogan

last Sunday "I Upped My Pledge, Up Yours."

Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High."

Actual Excerpts From Student Science Exam Papers:

1. The theory of evolution was greatly objected to because it made man think.

2. Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars.v 3. The process of turning steam back into water again is called conversation.

4. A magnet is something you find crawling all over a dead cat.

5. The Earth makes one resolution every 24 hours.

6. To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.

7. Parallel lines never meet, unless you bend one or both of them.

8. Algebraical symbols are used when you do not know what you're talking about.

9. Geometry teaches us to bisex angles.

10. A circle is a line which meets its other end without ending.

11. The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.

12. The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader.

13. English sparrows and starlings eat the farmers grain and soil his corpse.

14. A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.

15. Blood flows down one leg and up the other.

16. The hookworm larvae enters the human body through the soul.

17. When you haven't got enough iodine in your blood you get a glacier.

18. It is a well-known fact that a deceased body harms the mind.

19. For fractures: to see if the limb is broken, wiggle it gently back and forth.

20. For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, hen kill it.

21. For nosebleed: put the nose much lower than the body.

22. For drowning: climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artificial perspiration.

23. To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.

24. For head colds: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat.

25. For asphyxiation: apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.

26. Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.

27. Bar magnets have north and south poles, horseshoe magnets have east and west poles.

28. When water freezes you can walk on it. That is what Christ did long ago in wintertime.

29. When you smell an odourless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.

THE Way girls turn romantic guys down!!!

HE said: I'm a photographer I've been looking for a face like yours!

SHE said: I'm a plastic surgeon .I've been looking for a face like yours!!!

HE: Hi! Didn't we go on a date once? or was it twice

SHE: No it was once i dont make the same mistake TWICE!!

HE: May I have the pleasure of this dance?

 SHE: No, I'd like to have some pleasure too!!!

HE: How did you get to be so beautiful?

 SHE: I must've been given your share!!!

HE: Is it hot in here or is it just you?

 SHE: It's hot!!!

HE: Will you come out with me this Saturday?

SHE: Sorry! I'm having a headache this weekend!!!

HE: Your face must turn a few heads!

SHE: And your face must turn a few stomachs!!!

HE: Go on ,don't be shy. Ask me out!

 SHE: Okay, get out!!!

HE: I think I could make you very happy

SHE: Why? Are you leaving?

HE: What would you say if I asked you to marry me?

SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time!!!

 HE: Can I have your name?

SHE: Why, don't you already have one?

HE: Shall we go and see a film?

 SHE: I've already seen it!!!

HE: Do you think it was fate which brought us together?

 SHE: Nah, it was plain bad luck!!!

Man: Where have you been all my life?

 Woman: Hiding from you.

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?

Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore;

Man: Is this seat empty?

 Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Man: So, what do you do for a living?

Woman: I'm a female impersonator.

Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?

Woman: Do not enter.

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?

 Woman: Unfertilized.

 Man: Your body is like a temple.

Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.;

 Woman: But would you stay there?

Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.

Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

Man: Where have you been all my life?

Woman: Where I'll be the rest of your life - in your wildestdreams.

THINGS TO DO ON AN ELEVATOR

1) When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on

the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.

2) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go

back for more.

3) Ask if you can push the buttons for other people, but push the

wrong ones.

4) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know

what floor you're on.

5) Hold the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After

awhile, let the doors close and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day been?"

6) Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then

scream, "That's mine!"

7) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.

8) Move your desk in to the elevator and whenever someone gets on,

ask if they have an appointment.

9) Lay down a Twister mat and ask people if they'd like to play.

10) Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on ask them if

they hear something ticking.

11) Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency

procedures and exit with the passengers.

12) Ask, "Did you feel that?"

13) Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.

14) When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay. Don't

panic, they open up again."

15) Swat at flies that don't exist.

16) Tell people that you can see their aura.

17) Call out, "Group hug!" then enforce it.

18) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and

muttering "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"

19) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside,

ask, "Got enough air in there?"

20) Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall,

without getting off.

21) Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in

horror, "You're one of THEM!" and back away slowly.

22) Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other

passengers.

23) Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.

24) Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

25) Grinning, stare at another passenger for a while, and then

announce, "I have new socks on."

26) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the

other passengers, "This is my personal space."

AND YOU THINK BEING GHETTO IS BAD……………..

A family in the Philippines was puzzled when the coffin of their dead mother arrived from the USA, sent by their sister. The corpse

was so tightly squeezed inside the coffin that their mother's face was  practically touching the glass cover. When they opened the coffin, they found a letter from their sister pinned to their mother's chest, which read:

     Dearest brothers and sisters, I am sending you our mother's remains for burial there in the Philippines. Sorry I couldn't come along as the

     expenses were so high. You will find inside the coffin, under Mama's body, 12 cans of Libby's corned beef and 12 cans of Spam. Just divide it

     among yourselves.

On Mama's feet is a brand-new pair of Reeboks (size 8) for Junior.

There are four pairs of Reeboks under Mama's head for Miloy's sons. Mama is wearing six Ralph Lauren T-shirts - one is for Manong Roy and the rest are for my nephews. Mama is also wearing one dozenWonder Bras (your favorite), just divide it among yourselves. The 2 dozen Victoria's Secret panties that Mama is wearing should be distributed among my nieces and cousins. Mama is also wearing eight  Dockers pants - Kuya Diko, please get one for yourself and the rest are for the boys.The Swiss watch you asked for is on Mama's left wrist, please get it.  Aunty Sol, Mama is wearing what you asked for - earrings, ring and necklace - just please get them. Also, the six pairs of Chanel stockings that Mama is wearing must be divided among the teen-age girls there.  I hope they like the color.

Your loving sister,

Nene

 P.S. Please take care of finding a dress for

 Mama for her burial.

MY DOG NAMED SEX

Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too!" Then I said, "But she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, "You don't understand. ... I have had Sex since I was nine years old." He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy." When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family was barred from the church from then on.

When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand. ... Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too!"

One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married." The Judge said, "Same here!"

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I'm looking for Sex." -- My case comes up next Thursday.

Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I can't live any longer being so lonely." and the doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend so go get yourself a dog."

ACTUAL SCHOOL EXCUSES

*My son is under a doctor's care today and should

not take P.E. today. Please execute him.

*Dear School: Please ekscuse John for being absent

on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.

*Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is

administrating.

*Chris will not be in school because he has an

acre in his side.

*Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday.

He had diahre, dyrea, direathe, the shits.

*I kept Billie home because she had to go

Christmas shopping because I don't know what size

she wear.

*Please excuse Jennifer for missing school

yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off

the porch and when we found it Monday, we thought

it was Sunday.

*Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very

loose vowels.